The Way Things Were.

First I want to say what inspired this post. We were watching The Haunting in Connecticut 2, Ghosts of Georgia and, at the end of the movie, they show pictures of the actual family. Who, however, are all overweight. But the movie has cast skinny and buff actors, they look nothing like the actual people from the story – because no one wants to watch “fat” people?

I think it’s safe to say I was doomed to have body image problems from the get go.

Being damned poor in rural Appalachia meant I often didn’t have food. I was bone skinny for most of my childhood into adulthood. I was always skinny and was told I didn’t have any boobs. I wasn’t “good enough”. I was bullied and called “dog”, “ugly”.

I was 5’10 and 112 pounds, a 34B. “Not good enough”. I was sandy blonde with natural red hair and green eyes, “not blonde enough”. No matter what, I wasn’t “enough” or I was called “too much”.

My ex cheated with any damn thing that dyed her hair blonde, I “wasn’t enough”. After having my three children I was 5’10 and 135-145 pounds, 34D. But, then, I wasn’t “white enough” then I wasn’t “american enough” then my “eyes are too small” or the scars on my body were “too big”.

I wasn’t wanted because my, then, latent racist husband only wanted womyn of his race/nationality and I “wasn’t enough”. That marriage ended- don’t marry someone that you are latently racist against.

I was in a committed relationship years later and developed health problems, the health issues and medications caused me to gain over 100 pounds in less than a year. I was bullied, made fun of, rejected and judged. Because of the shape of my body. How ignorant is that?! How dare I gain weight when 7 of the 7 medications all said they cause excessive weight gain!! The horror! The horror of water gain and inflammation from severe illness. A illness that could have killed me but all anyone saw was my weight!! I was “a cow”, not a person. “Not enough”.

Then, I was stabilized. Able to stop those medications and able to work out.

I never forgot who made me feel like I was nothing.

I later developed an idiopathic inflammatory bowel disease, also developed idiopathic diverticulitis and gastritis. I lost weight, couldn’t absorb or digest food. Trying to be pleasant I will say everything “went straight through me”, not absorbed or digested. You could look at it and completely recognize it. I developed malnutrition from the malabsorption and vitamin loss. Was put on prescription vitamins and nasty assed nutrition drinks. I was diagnosed with SLE (lupus) and the fight has been on since. I’m back to my old weight. But I still feel like I’m “not enough”.

People mistake the skinny fashion models as being the “perfect body type/ beauty standard” and as a womyn who’s been cruelly mocked, bullied, criticized and compared to these models I need to express an actual fact…. Twiggy started the ultra skinny model trend in the 60’s. It was easier for the designers to make all the clothes in a single sized prototype for the shows. Instead of multiple sized clothes, make the models all the same size. Quite smart actually. But somehow along the way a misogynistic society decided it’s a “beauty standard” instead of a “convenience standard”. And womyn are unjustly being mistreated and compared to something that doesn’t even represent beauty at all.

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Big lips? Why? To suck dick? Are we only an item for sexual gratification? Big boobs? Again, sexualized for no reasons. Perfect ass? While men walk around looking like Shrek. WTF?

It wouldn’t be so toxic if our daughters aren’t subjected to the same treatment. Judged my impossible standards of convenience instead of personal merit.

Then the cruelty of other girls and womyn who feel they must compete and be superior to one another, again, because of a misogynistic society ingrains in us that we “must compete”, be “hot”, “be perfect” and see other womyn as competition or threats. Goodness forbid we support and help each other!

I’ve been bone skinny, obese, skinny again and I can tell you that you’re treated very differently when overweight. Judged and scowled at from all angles. When I was overweight and had a flat tire or my car broke down no one would help me. But, when skinny, they stop almost instantly. How odd. Jobs treat, hire and regard overweight employees differently.

I applied for a job at TJ when I was overweight, interviewed and was rejected. I went back, same location, same managers but I had lost weight and they hired me. I didn’t accept the job offer and told them why. I worked at Earth Fare and Whole Foods, screw those TJ pricks.

I’m 51, I’m married to a man 20 years younger than me and I still struggle with my body image. Still struggle with not feeling “enough” or that I’m “too much”. I still catch myself thinking he’s like my ex who latently doesn’t like me but wants his own race/nationality instead. He admits that he “doesn’t like” or “get along with Chinese womyn”, “Asian womyn are built like little boys”. I get it, we like what we like, but saying they’re built like boys is kinda bullshit too. They face even tougher standards than we americans face.

He loves me, he’s proud of me, shows me off, brags about me and dotes on me. The man is in love. It’s clear to see. But all the years of being mistreated has affected me and I struggle with feeling insecure at times.

As a society we need to focus less on dick sucking, boobs, ass and weight and focus on honesty, merit, integrity, loyalty and personal traits.

How you treat people stays with them, often for years.

In the end we are all just people and walking each other home. It’s time we start acting like it.

Just me. No filters, no cosmetics, just natural light.